The intrigue of a possible ménage à trois cannot be ignored. Author, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, of the book Tell Me What You Want, interviewed over 4,000 couples, and having a threesome is the top sexual fantasy. This makes sense. You are a couple and you want to add some spice.

But as appealing as it sounds, actually making it happen can be a different story?

As a Holistic Sex & Relationship coach I have helped hundreds take the steps into making their fantasy of a threesome come true. I’m going to share some steps to get you started.

TALK TO YOUR PARTNER ABOUT SEX

Most important step here; begin with talking to your partner in detail about having a threesome.

Tell them why you are really wanting a threesome. You may be feeling bi-curious, so you want to have a same-sex experience.

Maybe you want to get to know yourself sexually, fulfill a long time fantasy or explore something more pleasurable by having two bodies, instead of one.

Keep talking and share what fears and insecurities are coming up for you about having a threesome. Jealousy can be one of them.

Be vulnerable with your partner and become curious about their desires.

Learning new sexual things about each other are some early steps to getting ready for the threesome even.

FINDING A THIRD

Where do we find a third to play with?

After discussing what you both want, then keep your options open as you jump into the “organic method”.

This method is about opening up to the idea fully and truly desiring the experience. You are going on the hunt together. This will help attract someone else who wants what you desire.

Keeping your mind and heart open also helps to boost your confidence to take the first step when the opportunity arises.

How this works is, you might meet someone new or it could be someone you already know.

You and your partner become flirty with them and they with you. You all feel a connection.

Everyone is often scared to bring up anything sexual but this is when you take a risk and ask. Being direct at this point is key.

Have you ever had a threesome? Would you like to get more intimate with us? If all goes well you will be setting up your first date.

GET YOUR PROFILE UP

Simultaneously get your profile set up online with one of the sites you feel comfortable navigating.

There are many meet-up sites, free and paid, where people are looking for threesomes.

When posting, be creative and as specific as possible about what you desire as a couple.

Post a sexy and friendly picture. Then start to check out who is looking for exactly what you want.

NO-PLAY MEETING SET-UP

Once you find someone that is a good match, set up a NO-play meeting.

You can arrange to have a drink or coffee, so that you can get to know each other first.

If it is clear that you are only going to chat in the first meeting, it takes off the pressure. It also give you a chance to talk about sex with complete strangers.

Ask them about their sexual history, their sexual preferences, acceptable sex acts and birth control methods that are going to be used.

Ask about what they like, don’t like, fears they have.

All this prep work will pay off in the end. Bringing a third in can be tricky emotionally, so you want to get to know your third before any sexual play takes place.

TALKING ABOUT BOUNDARIES

Discuss some boundaries with your partner.

Creating a safe container for you as a couple will allow each of you to relax. You may not want penetrative sex the first round. That’s fine.

There are a lot of things to do that are sexual.

Whatever boundaries you need to set to be comfortable is fine.

Some couples choose to just explore kissing with another their first time.

Take it at a level you feel is possible for you. Be clear with each other about the boundaries before meeting the third and then let the third know before you start anything.

REMOVE ALL EXPECTATIONS

Remove all expectations for how the evening will unfold.

Whatever you have fantasized about concerning a threesome, or whatever porn you have been watching, it is time to let all those images go.

You never know what will happen in a threesome.

Let the evening flow as naturally as possible. Focus on having fun, being present and taking care of each other.

Be direct and share how you are feeling or about what you would like to do.

Keep connected by checking in, asking to make sure everyone is doing ok.

TAKE YOUR TIME

Everyone will be nervous in the beginning. This is very normal.

You are going into a very intimate scenario, whether it is your first time or not.

Go slowly. Have a drink (don’t get drunk, just enough to relax) and let your flirty, sexual self out.

If things are going too slowly, meaning nothing is happening, break the ice by suggesting a game where you each take turns kissing the other person, while one person watches.

Don’t force anything.

If someone is uncomfortable, then stop and take a break. Start over. Letting the sexual connection build again slowly can take you to new plateaus.

END ON A GOOD NOTE

After the sexual encounter, no matter what the experience was like, end on a good note.

Thank each other for the experience and try to focus on complimentary things to say.

Whether this was your first time or not, it is always a new experience.

Sometimes a threesome can be a unique event. Other times, you will encounter the best sexual experience you have ever had in your life!

For your first threesome, however it turns out, know that this can be the first of many.

Each and every experience will be different. You and your partner are a team, creating a sex life with depth and intruige. Enjoy every moment of your new adventures together.

SUPPORT

If you are wanting some support in dealing with creating your first threesome, then book a first session with me. I will help offer you a fresh perspective to lead you forward.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

What has been your biggest fantasy, which you have not made a reality yet?

What fears do you have about having a threesomes?

What are your fears and insecurities about sex?

Guide for a Couples First Threesome